Sometime between killing Steven's boyfriend and waking up at dusk, a carnival had rolled into town. It was the first time Angel could remember it showing up, and now he and Spike sat on a bench across the road from it. It was ghostly, with blurry swirling lights and the whisper of laughter, as if all of Angel's demons had arrived at once to haunt him back to Los Angeles.

They were watching the kids on the carousel. Some were laughing, some sat frozen and some looked bored. Spike was more interested in it, eyeing everything closely like it was a smorgasbord of potential victims. A cross section of human life had landed at his feet like a gift from God.

"Or maybe we could fry him," Spike said. "You know, set him on fire just for fun."

Angel glanced at him sideways. He was talking about the fun things he could do to the Slayer's friend once they caught him.

Spike slumped back on the bench, still watching the carousel. "Actually, I like the idea of just draining him slowly, and when he starts to look withered and pathetic we can just do him in."

Angel nodded, looking everywhere but at Spike in case his eyes revealed something. But Spike wasn't even paying attention. He stood up and pointed to the carnival. "I'm going in." And then, with a hint of amusement, "Do you want anything from the store?"

Angel shook his head. "No, whatever you get will be fine." He waited until Spike was inside the gates before he stood up and crossed the road. He leaned into the fence, the wire making little diamond imprints on his face while he watched the carousel. There were fathers, mothers, little kids who didn't know what it was like to have broken hearts yet. So many people who didn't deserve to die.

It was times like this when he really cursed those gypsies. He had entered his undead life hoping to be rid of all this - the hurt feelings, the tears of frustration, the longing he felt when he loved so deeply he wanted to cut himself to externalize some of the pain. But it came rushing back in full force, only this time combined with the bloodlust he'd been feeling since he started hanging out with Spike. Emotion vs. instinct. He wouldn't wish it on anyone, even Spike. He knew Earth didn't belong to the vampires anymore. It belonged to the humans now. Fighting that would be like the citizens of Barbados rising up against England.

He walked down to the river in the quiet darkness, nothing but the sound of his shoes clomping on the street as he got closer. The bank was silent. Angel leaned against a tree and inhaled deeply, smelling fresh grass and clear water. The smells of life. It was night on planet Earth and he was alive.

He laid down on the ground, knowing he would get dirt in his hair and blades of grass on his clothes. He dug his hands into the ground and came up with clumps of grass and dirt. If he kept digging, he could bury himself and forget about all of it.

"Angel?"

He sat up, snapping out of his trance and looking around wildly. But it wasn't Buffy again. He turned to see Xander standing there, gaping.

"Buffy said you were back but I thought she was daydreaming. What are you doing here?"

Angel shrugged. He wasn't sure what else to do. He couldn't bring himself to play the Angelus game but telling Xander the truth would be even worse.

Xander took a step closer. "Well?"

Angel looked away, closing his eyes and wishing more than ever the ground would open and swallow him whole. "I can't tell you. Get out of here."

"You can't *tell* me?" Xander walked all the way over now, squatting down so they were face to face. "Tell me!"

Angel took a deep breath. "Xander, I can't tell you. All I can tell you is that it's because of you."

Xander's face softened a little. They rarely acknowledged there was anything between them before. They treated it like it was just sex. But hearing that obviously mattered to him.

"Me?" he said quietly, with no sarcastic comebacks.

Angel nodded slowly, staring at the trees in the distance. It hurt to look at Xander, wide eyed and full of life. Regardless of how this turned out, they could never go back.

"Yeah," Angel said. "You're just going to have to trust me. No matter what you hear, or what you see, just trust me."

There was silence for a second, and Angel was startled when he felt Xander's warm hand on his cold one, just resting there. "I do," Xander said. "I just...I'm surprised."

Angel tried to catch his breath, looking up at the boy and watching a thousand emotions pass through his eyes. Hurt. Bewilderment. Nostalgia. All he could manage was "Are your parents home?"

****

3 a.m., Xander's room, and Angel had to keep reminding himself that it was just sex so he didn't *really* lapse into Angelus mode. Xander's body was squirming underneath him, tensing when Angel bit his neck a bit too hard, his sharp incisors nearly piercing the skin. So he moved up to Xander's ear and his lips moved against his earlobe, his heart thumping even as he said "This is just sex."

Xander dug his fingers into Angel's back. "I know." Then he arched his back so their cocks rubbed together, warm and slippery and aching. Xander's legs wrapped around his hips, egging him on, his body squirming so Angel's cock would slide between his thighs.

Angel buried his head in Xander's shoulder and inhaled sharply, gritting his teeth in frustration.

"Come on," Xander whispered in his ear. "I've missed this."

"I know." Angel growled and let his hand cup Xander's ass, kneading it a little.

Xander arched his back again. "Angel, I'm going to pop here if we don't move on."

"I know." Angel's fingers moved closer and a finger found the opening of Xander's ass, massaging the soft hole and pushing inside.

Xander gasped. "Come on," he said. "Comeoncomeoncomeon. It's been so long."

Angel actually smiled a little, moving his finger in and out because he knew it drove Xander crazy. He felt Xander's muscles tense underneath him when he kissed him lightly, letting his teeth nibble on Xander's bottom lip. Xander put his hand on the back of Angel's neck and pulled him down, shoving his tongue in his mouth.

They kissed for a minute before Angel pulled back and looked down at the boy. His eyes were wide and brown, aching with lust, and Angel felt like a god.

Xander traced the sharp line of Angel's jaw with his finger. "A demon with the face of an angel," he whispered.

Angel buried his head in Xander's shoulder again, squeezing his eyes shut. This was why he wouldn't go demonic again. It could never be true bliss when it hurt this much.

Finally he slid inside him, no hands needed because it felt like he knew Xander's body as well as his own. Xander sighed and traced his fingers down Angel's back, his hand pressing down on Angel's tailbone as he started his rhythm. It was almost methodical at first, Angel rolling his hips slowly, feeling every breath and shiver and drop of sweat. Xander raised his hips in perfect rhythm, opening up to him completely like he always had.

It was always Angel's plan to start slowly and let it build, until they were jerking against each other so hard that the headboard banged on the wall, and they growled and panted and clawed and bit until they came. But not this time. Angel was still timing his thrusts when he felt orgasm loom dangerously near, just hovering there waiting to crash. He tensed, trying to avoid it, but it didn't matter. "Xander...I...." He dug his fingers into Xander's shoulders, gasping as his mind turned to static. "I'd do anything for you," he blurted, knowing even as he was coming that Xander didn't realize how true it was. Spike would show up any day now, and Angel was more convinced than ever that saving Xander would be like saving the world.

-end-