It wasn't the first time I thought about killing myself. It's just the most vivid in my memory.

Spike and I were trapped in an underground cave. Buffy was searching for a gem that gives eternal life to mortals and Spike was looking for it too, for the mayor. I had no idea the sewers were such a complex maze of twisted underground tunnels. Or maybe we weren't in the sewers at all anymore. I had no concept of time or direction, only of being who knows how many feet under the city, in that tight little fucking cave that measured about six feet in both directions, with a blond-haired British vampire.

Time zoomed by when the ground started to shake, maybe from some force of evil or maybe from one of California's lovely earthquakes. Either way, the doorway closed in just as Spike was lunging toward me, and now there were thousands of pounds of rock separating me from the outside world. We had been there about an hour, long enough for the air to get stale and my throat to close and the panic to kick in.

"You're so pathetic," Spike spat. "You think I'm so fucking demonic when the truth is that you'd trade places with me in a second."

I sat with my back against the rough stone, staring at my knees. "What makes you think that?"

"You know what makes me think that," he said, pacing in front of me again. "You and Angel and your bloody soap opera. You claim to hate us and yet you're perfectly capable of shagging a vampire when the mood strikes you."

I lowered my head, clasping my fingers at the back of my neck to block out his words. What the fuck did he know? "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, bullocks," he said. "You do know what I'm talking about, don't you? Or wait!" I couldn't see him but I knew he was standing up straight and pointing a finger in the air. "Poor little Xander. This is a *secret* isn't it? I wonder what Buffy would think if she knew her trusted servant was shagging her boyfriend?"

I buried my face between my knees. "Why don't you just shut up?"

Spike laughed, a cold, harsh sound that came out like "ha." "That's a witty comeback for you, Xander. I'm right, aren't I?" He squatted down in front of me and pulled my hair so my head jerked back and I had to look at him. "What's the matter, Xander? Cat got your tongue?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, my breath harsh and raspy now. Talking seemed to take too much energy but I couldn't resist. "I just want to get the *fuck out of here* or neither of us will be telling anyone anything."

Spike smirked, falling back so he was sitting cross legged in front of me. Being trapped didn't seem to bother him. "Maybe I should just kill you."

I let my head fall so it rested on my knees. "You won't."

"And why not?"

I raised my head a little, giving him my best glare. "Because then you won't have anyone to talk to."

Spike laughed a little, laying back so he was resting on his elbows. "I will have to bleed you dry, you know. Eventually. I have to keep my strength up."

I talked into my knees. "Then do it. I won't stop you."

"Like you could." He was quiet for a second. I could feel his eyes on me, trying to figure out how to get me to react. Spike would do anything for a reaction. He'd rather be cremated than ignored. That was probably why he kept company with so many bimbos. They weren't really girlfriends. They were minions.

"I know how you can keep me quiet," Spike said. I looked up to find him on his knees in front of me, his pale fingers fumbling with the buttons on his jeans. "You're already growing wings, anyway. It'll just be between the two of us, eh?"

I rolled my eyes, focusing on the wall across from me so I didn't see him reach in his pants. I wasn't sure I had enough energy to suck his dick and it certainly would take too much air. "No."

"Come on," he said, opening the fly of his jeans so I could see what was underneath. "It'll keep me quiet."

There was a ghostly sound to the right of us, on the other side of the rock pile. I didn't have to hear a voice to know it was Angel, tearing away at the boulders with his bare hands. "Xander!" he called from what seemed like a thousand miles away.

"In here!" I shouted, crawling toward the doorway. Spike's nails dug into my shoulder when he grabbed me, yanking me back so I fell against the wall again.

"Come on," Spike breathed. "Just between the two of us."

"That's enticing, but I think I'll pass." The ground was hard against my knees as I crawled toward the door again, tearing at a couple of rocks on my end so I could get the fuck out of there a little faster.

By the time I saw Angel's hand, peeking between the rocks as he tore at the barrier, Spike was already standing. His pants were back to normal and his face had regained its usual composure.

Angel finally poked his head through the rocks. "Are you OK?"

"Fine," I breathed. "Just get me out of here."

Angel nodded, glancing up at Spike. "What's going on in here?"

Spike shrugged. "Nothing."

Angel looked back at me and I shook my head. "Don't even worry about it."